So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
