I molested 6 butterflies tonight
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
