I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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