I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
