my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
