I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize