just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
