I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I need water and some morals
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
