WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Randomize
