My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
