i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
