Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize