I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Randomize
