I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
