How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
