you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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