My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
