using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
40s are totally the cure
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
