just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
