Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
