alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Randomize
