i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
