Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
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