I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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