I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
