Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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