I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
