I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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