at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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