My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
