i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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