you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
