I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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