I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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