So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
