New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
