God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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