I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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