I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
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