I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
