Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I am midnight drunk by noon
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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