Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Randomize
