So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
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