Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
