He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
