Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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