Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
