mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
