i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
