I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
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