I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
