You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
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