dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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