You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
