last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
