WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
