Your face is a jimmy john
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
